The Curse of Signs I’d Ignored

I’ve written about this before. I’m not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse. I decided to tackle the pile of papers I’d shoved into my bookshelf and put them into a hanging folder organizer. Of course the papers where print-outs of my online journal from 2003 to 2006, and I couldn’t file the papers without reading through a few. So I was left with the question of why I hung on to the non-relationship with You-know-who for so long?

She got so mad at me last year when I felt like giving up, saying “who gives up in the ninth inning?” And maybe my continual complaining hardened her resolve to do the divorce thing and not allow herself to be have any “relationship entanglements.” I don’t know. How did I miss the obvious emotional disconnect? I kept giving her credit even when she warned me to not count on her for anything (her exact words!). I just kept leaning in her direction, ignoring the fact that I knew she wasn’t ready to have anything with anyone and especially with me. So after anticipating for years a life with her, I’m having to re-imagine a life that doesn’t include waking up next to her and hearing about the latest crazy idea from her youngest or paintball adventures from her eldest son.

It’s hard saying good-bye to an image of my life with her that I’ve been anticipating and waiting for for over five years. But that’s what I have to do. Given the last few difficult turns the life has taken, she may want me there but not as… not as her acknowledged lover or boyfriend. Just someone to lend support and then go away (someone important but not… a “significant” other, regardless of what she may have said about wanting kids with me or begging me to never leave, I was never meant to be part of the real picture of her life; I was never meant to be a part of the whole package). A friend, a needed friend, but never anything more. So I need to redirect the course of my life, which for five-years I’ve been steering to be about a life with her, and go in a completely unanticipated and unknown direction. Irony is that I always prided myself in being comfortable with the open ended question and living a life fully conscious and emotionally self-aware. I guess I’m getting what I wanted. jbb

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