Love by Courtney Walker

90 Days Later

calflipSome things take a long time to learn. These are pattern that are most deeply imprinted on us and seem to have a bearing on every aspect of ones life. So, it can take a long time to react when these things just don’t work out. Some times it takes a long time for reality to unfold. So, ninety days ago she said that I was worth fighting for and that she wasn’t going to let me go without a fight. What can I say, she was right.

So, I knew that things wouldn’t change overnight, but I felt like if I could get two requirements met than I’d have some basis for holding on to hope. The first requirement was that she come clean with her counselor and tell her that she and I were still seeing one another. The other was that as she developed relationships with her friends, that she would find a way to share with them also about us. I must have said something also about communicating more because she started calling in the morning when I was on my way into work, and not just on her commute home. It was nice. It almost felt a bit like the “old days” when we were always in communication.

Alas, in the crush of all of the things that needed to get done I guess talking to the counselor about us fell to the back-burner. And as for telling friends, she told one buddy from the old college days. He reacted negatively. As far as I know that was the last attempt at disclosure. Oh well. That didn’t look too good.

brokenheartguyThen there were a series of opportunities for us to get together that either didn’t happen or were “dumbed down” to having a couple beers at some bar. Even while the phone communication was pretty good, it was becoming increasingly clear that she was mostly in a “drinking buddies” mode and nowhere near finding the means to be the girlfriend/lover I was needing. That sucked, but because, in her words, she was in the “9th inning” of the divorce process, I continued to try to find some hope.

Alas, as she neared an important divorce hearing (11/14) communication began to break down, she was getting sick a lot and there were long stretches of nothing. Traditionally we used to spend some time together before and after one of my weeks at Pepperdine, but this Fall that didn’t happen in September or when I went to Boston in November. When I was in Boston there was no communication at all. The final straw came when she called me on her way to the hearing panicked that he was going to request 75% custody of her boys and that he knew stuff about me including my Boston trip that she’d never mentioned to him. I told her that I’d been blogging about the trip, so any Google search would have given him that data. How my trip info had anything to do with her custody problems wasn’t so clear, but it was obvious that I was going to get thrown out anytime he played the custody card. Then after the hearing she didn’t bother to call me with an information update about how things went. I had to wait another 24-hours and call the next day to get the info. Then we fell back into another week of no communication. That pretty much settled it for me. For all of our good intentions, it was pretty clear to me that she was (is) emotionally unavailable and that it was silly for us (me) to continue to pretend that we have any relationship beyond a kind of somewhat inconsistent friendship we had.

roseAs we began Thanksgiving week I was hoping that she would call and we could deal with all of this or at least acknowledge where we were at. But the call didn’t look like it was coming, so on Tuesday I wrote her an email saying that I was sorry that she was going through so much difficulty with her divorce and other issues, but it was time to acknowledge that we are just good friends and that she’s been emotionally unavailable for some time. I really wanted to emphasize that I don’t hold anything thing against her or that it’s all her fault, or anything like that. This was just where she’s at and it’d be unhealthy for us to continue as if things weren’t this way. I remember saying out loud to myself as I pressed the “Send” button that I really didn’t want to do this, but I knew that it needed to be done.

Wednesday I got no response and then worried that she might not have gone into work. Shit. Then on Thursday I got a very flowery e-card from her and at first worried that, indeed, she hadn’t gotten my prior email. But as I read the personalized part of the card, she did acknowledge the email, saying that she was thankful for my love and friendship over the years, that she is where she needs to be, and that she’s praying for me and misses me. She added that her friend (the one that didn’t approve of me) was also praying for me and was impressed with me (I guess that I finally got around to writing the dreaded email) and wanted to meet with me. I wrote her back that I’m open to communicating with him, but until my Pepperdine term finishes, I was going to be pretty busy. She sent a “smiley face” response. That was kind’a weird.

So, it was a real roller-coaster week, seeing my granddaughter on Sunday, writing the “adios” email Tuesday night, running the 5K early Thursday morning, spending T-Day with my sister’s in-laws and then pretty much vegging out the rest of the weekend. I’m still pretty numb and because I’m overtaxed with Pepperdine and work things that are still piling up, I haven’t really had time to sit and reflect. In fact I feel guilty about the time I’ve spent working on this journal entry. But not to worry, my emotions are not entirely dead. I was watching Jim Carrey’s “Bruce Almighty” last night and when he told God in the end what he really wanted, that he wanted his girlfriend to be happy and loved regardless of whether it’s him or not, I cried because that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her. By the very next scene Jim Carrey got his wish and she jumped into his arms. Alas, my story doesn’t seem to have the same Hollywood ending. She’s out house-hunting with her folks this weekend, there’s a buyer for their house, her youngest son is in therapy and life seems to be moving quite well without me. She said that she misses me, but obviously not enough to do anything about it. So, after having given it another 90-days, it would seem that this chapter in my life (our lives) is over and it’s getting to be time to move on to the next one. Friday nights I tend to drift between wanting to cry and not being able to feel anything, but I have to hold on to hope that i didn’t go through all of this and learn all that I’ve learned about myself only to go back to the old ways of being and living alone. JBB