Psalm 139:1-24 – Search me O Lord & Know My Heart
This Psalm was “given” to me by M during our last conversation. As usual I wrote the verse down but didn’t bother to read it. That is, until now. And in the moment that I find myself, it is the most perfect words that I could expect or hope to hear from our Heavenly Father.
I glanced at the commentary (Matthew Henry’s) and quite often I’ll roll through a few of the scholars to dig deeper and facilitate my meditation. He begins, “Here the psalmist makes application of the doctrine of God’s omniscience, divers ways…”
Okay, I know what I was feeling when I read through the verses and it wasn’t “doctrine.” It was the love of a perfect father, it was the love of a perfect lover, it was the confession of an man in intimate communion with his Creator. For me, to be known by God in such intimate detail, from before I was born, the thoughts that brew through my mind, why I am the way I am, and to be loved as I am, what a precious gift. I’ve been on the verge of tears much of the day and night because I haven’t felt very much loved and the conflict of loving someone unavailable to me and being drawn closer to our Lord has become insurmountable. So to know, even in this conflicted place, even as messed up as I am, that His hand is in my life and that He knows every bit of who I am, that renews me. And so the tears came because I know again that I am loved and that my life does mean something and that this passion that drives me is not in vain. And I can rejoice because I am loved by my Creator. I am not a worthless lump of clay but wonderfully made and a gift to all whom I would meet. Thank you lord… I really, really, really needed this. JBB 4/27/04 20:48