I’m feeling a little out of sorts. I don’t want to fixate on my love’s next step. We’re well into the new year and not only have I not heard anything from her but I’ve little reason to believe that anything has happened. So, I’ve tried to keep myself busy working on the school website trying to get everything up to date because the school district has a PR event on Saturday. As much as I want the website to be complete, I know that almost no one goes beyond the main page at these PR events (if they notice the computer at all). Damn..
I was debating whether to call Brent tonight or not, but then thought that two Fridays in a row is enough. I don’t want to overwhelm him. I’d gotten an email from Marilyn (biblestudy friend) saying that the Friday singles group hasn’t been disbanded, but that she’s not going to go. I should call her, but I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now so I’d rather avoid any complications that might come from too much interaction with her.
What I’d really like to do is find a way to have a good friendship with her, but without all the judgment that I might very well face when I reveal the part of my life about my lover. I gave her a copy of the Stormmaker CD (as I did my other biblestudy friends) in part because I was hoping that she’d catch the hint that I’m in love with someone. I don’t know if she got that, but she definitely tuned into where my heart was at. So I guess I’m just going to have to face the music and make the point more obvious. Marilyn has quite the “authoritative” personality, I can only imagine how many lectures I’m going to get. Ugh.
After biblestudy yesterday I was with the only other single guy in the group and the couple who host the study and Lynn went on about being single and her belief in how God wants us to live as singles. Ah oh. Slowly the little protection that I’d been building around myself in order to get through this unknown gap between the “affair” and the “relationship” was being dismantled. Here I thought I’d thrown off the affair and was trying to find a way to redirect my attention to that time when we’d be able to be together and not only were my non-Christian friends questioning me, but the idea of just wanting to be with my love was being threatened by my Christian friends. Their theory was that on the one hand God doesn’t want us to be alone, or is going to make it possible for us to grow from our time alone, but at the same time, I think I’ve found the person I want to be with but that’s unacceptable because I acted before I should have. Ugh. Lynn asked the other guy and I whether we were even interested in marrying someone in the future. I guess I didn’t make it clear that once my love is divorced I very much want to be with her. Damn. This is getting needlessly complicated.
I am open to what the Lord wants to do in my life but I am not going to ignore my heart. It is the same heart that I offer up to the Lord every time I pray, every time I think about love, every time I look into myself and look for the good. Clearly I don’t know how to get from here to there. And right now they’re telling me that the “there” I want to get to isn’t the “there” the Lord has for me. I cannot tell, either way. “All things work together to those who love him…” and all that. I am having a hard time finding that balance and focus right now.
I got a very unexpected call for an ecstatic Greg tonight (Pepperdine buddy). He was with his girlfriend in Florida for a EdTech/Pepperdine conference and tonight was the first dance he’s ever gone to. Wow. He was so happy. It was amazing. Given the roller-coaster they’ve been on the past month, I’m so glad that they’re together. And I thought that I was a basket-case whenever I hit any little bump in the road with my love…. All I can say is that great passion can become either drama or great happiness or both. I may feel a bit adrift right now, but it’s nice to know that they’re able to be with one another and in the near term they’ll be able to fully navigate the process of making a life together. I’m still hanging on to the belief that my port of destination is real and isn’t something that I’ve just made up in my head. JBB
music: Miracles Out Of Nowhere – Kansas – Leftoverture (Remaster)