I’ll write more about this later. But for now I want to record that this weekend was a time for me to say Good-bye to an old friend. When the my love told her then-husband that she was in love with “someone else” part of his reaction was for him to tossed his video collection. My love had told me before this that they had previously tossed their p0rno collection because they were afraid of scandalizing her folks should something happen and her folks discover the collection. That’s fear. I didn’t want to part with my collection because of fear.
Actually, in all honesty, I had a major wake-up call the weekend my former-best friend’s girlfriend called to tell me that she couldn’t be my friend. I was going to back-up and then erase the collection that I had on my hard-drive. But in the process I was downloading a ton of videos from one of my favorite sites just as she called and lowered the boom. What she said had nothing to do with the collection but it was enough of a jolt across my emotional spectrum for me to reconsider everything and begin to take all of this more seriously. So, after church that weekend I erased the huge collection on my hard drive (though I have a couple DVD back-ups that were made last summer).
I had previously boxed all the magazines, videos and DVDs. My thinking was that I wanted to work through this step-by-step, and boxing these things was a first step. What I was wanting to avoid was to make an emotional plunge and do this in a way that would set-up any kind of tension or pressure that would undermine the decision later. I was not interested in repeating what I consider to be the error I made my last time as a Christian where I ultimately got to the point where I hated myself because of my sexuality. So I very much wanted to take a different tact on this.
Anyway, as I was going through the past week and weekend, which I eventually understood as a mourning period for the loss of the relationship I’ve had with my love for the past year, I decided that it is now time to toss the boxes. First set went out Saturday night. The rest went out tonight. Then after a “good-bye” session at one of my favorite sites, I decided that it would also be a good thing to go ahead and cancel my membership with that website. I do want to write more about this later. But for now I’ll just end with the “cancellation” message that I sent out:
Reason for cancellation: Other (one of the options they’d listed “family pressure” … ha! I know that one, but not this time).
Kind of a New Year’s Resolution kind of a thing. I’ve enjoyed my time with your site. I love the style, humor and sexiness of the work that you do. But, alas, I need to step away from the computer and get some real love of my own. Thanks for being there and I wish you great and continued success in the future. ADios.