This morning my former-love sent a cryptic e-mail: “Hmmm, I wonder if JBB is praying?” Ack. What does that mean? Granted, this is the most she’s written in a single message since 2/18 but it’s just enough for me to hang myself. Kind of makes me wonder what it might have been that she sensed. It’s interesting enough the juxtaposition of my buddy’s comment about me not going to Danni.com last night and her question this morning about prayer. Add to that, when I was fantasizing about our next time together I thought about the first time we got together this year. And because part of me doesn’t want to go back to the way it was, I kept on seeing the image of how out-of-sorts she was because she wanted to be with me so much but hated what it was doing to me and to her, and I kept hearing in my heart that it’d never be like that again. But because that’s all I’ve known of her, then my heart kept thinking, “then, it must be over.” Needless to say, there were a very mixed bag of feelings there.
So what does this mean? I wish I could ask her. Damn communication-embargo! I guess it’s another one of those, “I’ll know when I know” sort of things.
Funny thing is that I’ve been making some headway with the diet/exercise thing (beginning to) and feeling better balanced with the P0rn question. But the one area that I’ve danced around more, except to go out and get some “study” tools, is the Bible thing. Damn. I guess “balance” really means all areas. Life is so weird.
When I had put on my old Bible-guy hat a couple of weeks ago I felt conflicted about my feelings for my former-love and the whole sexual thing in general. I knew that I didn’t want to, again, throw out the baby with the bath water. So I pulled up a bit because I wanted to take the time to assess all of these feelings with what I was wanting to do. As I wrote on the 15th one of the big reasons that I walked away from how I’d expressed my faith before was because I was so profoundly unhappy with myself and the divorce was just the latest expression of that. Actually, I think I took advantage of that change in my life (the divorce) to make that move away from church-boy to try to figure things out.
So here I am all these years later wondering what it’s all supposed to mean (not just my former love’s cryptic message). I know that if I’m going to move forward than I have to bring all that I’ve known forward and not try to slice and dice bits off because it doesn’t fit some prescribed model. I’m not trying to rationalize anything. In fact, that’s why I stopped calling myself a Christian. It was because I knew what the common meaning or what that had meant to me before and I felt that enough had change to make it somewhat incorrect to use that moniker.
Scary thing is that after all of this thought, prayer, and assessment, what I might end up to be might be less agreeable to to my former-love than just being an ambiguous agnostic. That’s scary. Also, there’s my history of not really being a “sidelines” kind of guy. For all those years, with all the folks who live their whole existence in the pews, why was it that I was forever seeing myself in front leading the folks? There was never a question in my mind about being in front and leading. At least until I started to take into consideration the growing divide between how I really felt about a lot of things and the conservative Christian “party line.” Being unable to “help” my own wife with her Christian life didn’t help things. So, there’s a lot here that scares me. JBB has to be JBB. I have nothing to offer my former love if I don’t hold to that. There are always some compromises in all relationships. But one also has to be free to be oneself and hopefully grow in a positive way within or strengthened by the relationship. What’s the point otherwise? It was just so funny hearing my buddy admonish me last night to “be good.” This is going to be an interesting experience. I’m quite certain of that. JBB
Music: Lover Please – Melissa Etheridge – Skin